As Slightly Panicked As Always

Two days. That's it. I have no idea where the time went.

I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for my inevitable departure since the beginning of this month, but it's really hard to get mentally prepared when you keep waking up in the place you keep telling yourself you have to leave.

The truth is, I don't want to leave.

Not necessarily because of any deeply sentimental connection to Klagenfurt itself, but rather because I don't know how to go back to my life. 

Being here has changed me in ways that might not always be outwardly visible, but that are incredibly real. The person who boarded a flight bound for Austria back in February is not the same person who will be returning home.

And I'm scared.

I like who I've become here. This experience has made me more adventurous, more extroverted, more loving and accepting, more of a humanitarian, I can even speak German now for goodness sakes. Do you know how many people can speak German back in the states? Not very many!!

And I'm not sure if the person I am now can thrive in America.

I honestly believe that our experiences shape who we are as people. From an early age, we come to know about ourselves and the world around us by interacting with things and learning from those moments. 

My home, my friends, my job, and my university shaped who I was before coming here, and they haven't changed. But I have.

Will I now be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole? Or will I sand my edges back down to slide perfectly into the spot I originally built for myself?

Because that's not what I want!!

Why would I take everything I've gained here and throw it away? I wouldn't. But does a square hole exist for me back in America? I'm not sure.

Plus, there's something about never again being in this place with these people that freaks me out. Some of them I might never see again. I mean, who knows if I'll ever be in Klagenfurt again either? But I'll miss them.

I will miss them for who they are, but also for what they represent. 

This will forever be the only group of people who understands what this semester was like. Who watched my transformation. Who grew with me. Who made wild, crazy memories with me.

They're the only ones who get it. 

And I have to say goodbye to them. Some of those goodbyes will be for now, some will be for life.

I mean, I know that when I get back home I will be happy to see my family and friends, my dogs FOR SURE, and it will just generally be nice to be back.

But then I'll start to think of the little things:

Of not eating rice and beans every night. Of not ever being alone in our overcrowded kitchen. Of hearing the voices of my friends in the hallway, and poking my head out to see what's going on. 

Of walking to the lake even if we don't swim. Of manipulating people into buying me coffee. Of going to parties I don't feel like being at just because everyone is happy to see me.

Of traveling, and being free.

Of chocolate, pastries, and my many Gelateria options.

Of sitting on my porch at night and listening to the rain.

I think it is much easier to go to a new place and adjust to being there than it is to return home and try to readapt to an environment you used to know as a very different version of yourself.

Now, I'm not writing any of this to be profound, or immortalize any of my adventures here (although I promised to tell you stories and I will). I just need to get some things off my chest.

This is probably the most honest blog post I've ever written because you know what? I'm seriously freaking out right now.

I'm anxious, a bit panicked actually, and I'm not sure what I can do because I know that nothing will stop my plane from leaving on Thursday morning. It's happening, and I'm trying to deal with that fact.

In the upcoming days, I have to pack and clean. I have to say my goodbyes. I have to try and make as many more wild, crazy, beautiful, amazing memories as possible and that's a lot of pressure. But it's preferable to wallowing all alone in my room.

I can't be sad now because I have to enjoy these last moments. And that kinda makes it all harder.

I dunno. I'm not sure where I was going with any of this. I might not even post it. I just kind of rambled on.

Conclusion: I don't want to leave, but sucks to suck I guess.

All I can do is keep calm and shine bright. 

I'll try to muddle through the next two days, and will probably post when I get home. Don't get too excited though, no promises.

That's a lie. I do promise that my next post will contain all sorts of fun stories from my time here. Something to look forward to!

Until next time you guys!

As Slightly Panicked As Always,

Ali